Wondering Why!

Today is one of those days where I ask myself why did my X come back to me and ask to work on things why does she want to get back together she seems miserable. The fact is that my X is not only an addict but someone who generally is just unhappy with everything. She's not an affectionate person, she dosent have fun very often, she dosent give me a hug or a kiss in the morning when she sees me she just kinda throws her arm around me and pats me on the back. I sit here and ask myself what exactly am I doing, im being my good ol stubborn self and waiting to see if she will change. She has HUGE entitlement issues, always has was raised to respect money more than anything and never taught to show much emotion in general.

Now today is the first day in over a month and half that Ive let her pickup the kids from school, I asked her this morning to take her suboxin before she left the house so I could make sure she is still taking it before picking the kids up. I wanted to make sure only for the safety of the kids and that she is in fact still doing her work in recovery.

I ask myself again why am I doing this again, do I love her this much, do I want our family back this much and keep in mind Im a pretty damn positive person constant reinforcement that she is doing good, no complaining or arguing because its taking a long time nothing of the sort.

Is it to much to ask that maybe you act a bit like wow look at what this man is doing for me, hes loving, affectionate, well rounded, strong takes care of our kids 24/7 everyday makes sure there homework is done, they have play time everything. I just sit here and wonder wtf am I putting myself through its almost to a point of self torture for some reason it seems because in the 7 months that we where seperated I met a few people and they fell head over heals in love with me and did nothing but talk about how strong I was, how much I listened how amazing of a person I am which is in general what my close friends always say to me.

I perseveer because of several things my commitment to our marriage, my commitment to my X to at least try this my commitment to my kids to try EVERYTHING possible to try to keep things together at every ounce of strength I have.

The most ironic thing about it is this, my X acts like when I show to much affection its a burden for her, when Im not talking and focusing on her it dosent matter, when she has to "go out of her way" to shift a little bit of focus to me that its a burden on her to do so and she shouldnt have to.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I dont ask for alot, I really dont and most of that comes from me desensitizing myself just so I can deal with day to day life with her I dont want her clinging to my back, I dont want her worshiping the ground I work on I just want her to at least ACT like she is happy to be around me, happy to have me around, happy that we are working towards something not complain about how her head hurts, her stomach hurts, how shes tired, how shes grumpy how she needs to take a nap, how she this or that or this or that ALL THE TIME

I understand people have bad days, but when the bad days equal probably 28 days out of a 30 day month what in the world is someone who for the most part is a rockstar in the department of love and support supposed to do. I have a deep gut feeling that again I am going to have to become someone im not and pretty much just live my life for me and the kids and just take whatever she can give and I dont call that a marriage I call that a support system.