Today is one of those days where I ask myself why did my X come back to me and ask to work on things why does she want to get back together she seems miserable. The fact is that my X is not only an addict but someone who generally is just unhappy with everything. She's not an affectionate person, she dosent have fun very often, she dosent give me a hug or a kiss in the morning when she sees me she just kinda throws her arm around me and pats me on the back. I sit here and ask myself what exactly am I doing, im being my good ol stubborn self and waiting to see if she will change. She has HUGE entitlement issues, always has was raised to respect money more than anything and never taught to show much emotion in general.
Now today is the first day in over a month and half that Ive let her pickup the kids from school, I asked her this morning to take her suboxin before she left the house so I could make sure she is still taking it before picking the kids up. I wanted to make sure only for the safety of the kids and that she is in fact still doing her work in recovery.
I ask myself again why am I doing this again, do I love her this much, do I want our family back this much and keep in mind Im a pretty damn positive person constant reinforcement that she is doing good, no complaining or arguing because its taking a long time nothing of the sort.
Is it to much to ask that maybe you act a bit like wow look at what this man is doing for me, hes loving, affectionate, well rounded, strong takes care of our kids 24/7 everyday makes sure there homework is done, they have play time everything. I just sit here and wonder wtf am I putting myself through its almost to a point of self torture for some reason it seems because in the 7 months that we where seperated I met a few people and they fell head over heals in love with me and did nothing but talk about how strong I was, how much I listened how amazing of a person I am which is in general what my close friends always say to me.
I perseveer because of several things my commitment to our marriage, my commitment to my X to at least try this my commitment to my kids to try EVERYTHING possible to try to keep things together at every ounce of strength I have.
The most ironic thing about it is this, my X acts like when I show to much affection its a burden for her, when Im not talking and focusing on her it dosent matter, when she has to "go out of her way" to shift a little bit of focus to me that its a burden on her to do so and she shouldnt have to.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I dont ask for alot, I really dont and most of that comes from me desensitizing myself just so I can deal with day to day life with her I dont want her clinging to my back, I dont want her worshiping the ground I work on I just want her to at least ACT like she is happy to be around me, happy to have me around, happy that we are working towards something not complain about how her head hurts, her stomach hurts, how shes tired, how shes grumpy how she needs to take a nap, how she this or that or this or that ALL THE TIME
I understand people have bad days, but when the bad days equal probably 28 days out of a 30 day month what in the world is someone who for the most part is a rockstar in the department of love and support supposed to do. I have a deep gut feeling that again I am going to have to become someone im not and pretty much just live my life for me and the kids and just take whatever she can give and I dont call that a marriage I call that a support system.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Beginning of A New Chapter
Its hard for me to sum up everything that has gone in the past 8 yrs much less just the past 8 months but in short I need an outlet for all of this without surfacing too much because it tends to creep itself back into my life.
In short I feel I am a single dad with married, meaning I am married to someone who tends to put themselves above everything and leave me to pickup the pieces.
Over the course of the past 8 yrs I have gone through two different bouts of relapse with my wife, usually centered around her addiction to opiates prescription pills this time however in the past it was much harder opiates before we where married. Before we where married my wife and this was at an early age was in a two year rehab that broke her, or so I thought of her addiction to opiates. This last bout was about 8 months ago which led to her divorcing me and completley shaking the foundation of what was left of our marriage.
The months previous to this where non-stop bickering and fighting for me to gain custody of the kids, however without fully knowing if she was on drugs this time I was unable to really point any fingers. Ive worked with her on scheduling which pretty much consisted of whenever she felt she wanted to go play or go do something she would drop off the kids, she would show up late or not at all to pick them up and my kids where thrown through a horrific loop.
On top of everything finally coming full circle our marital home was gutted and everything down to light fixtures where sold to pay for lord knows what. She started dating a drug dealer, ran around getting into all kinds of a mess, trying to convince everyone that he was a good guy and she was not on drugs, that she was just tired, stressed etc etc.
I have been to hell and back crying in agony some nights because I was worried about my kids, trying to figure out how to fight off this deep gutted feeling that once again she has taken the path towards destruction, that the turmoils of her addict have reared there ugly head again.
So out of the blue about a month and half ago I get a call from my wife,stbx,xw whatever you want to label her, and she says she needs to talk to me. Now take into consideration that throught this seperation time my wife still would call me 3-4 times a day to talk, she would show up at my house to stay the night sometimes, that she would get obsessive if I didnt answer the phone sometimes and was very codependent on the fact that I was still there for her.
I tried dating a few people but unfortunately and yes as this was my choice she was so interwoven into my life that there was no room for anyone else, if it wasnt her it was her family coming to me to see what was going on with her, what she was doing, how could I help what can I do but they where all aware of her problem but refused to face it refused to step up and actuall attack the problem with her yet again. There came a point to where I was absolutly so unvalidated as her X that I just assumed this was never going to stop.
Anyways back to the topic at hand, she calls and says she needs me to take the kids and begins to let loose a whirlwind of stories and lies and deceit of how she has been using for over a year now, taking a very very large amount of pills a week and she woke up one day and said she couldn't do this anymore. Now most people would probably have let hell fury rain down on to her of how could she do this, i knew it was coming I knew what was going on etc etc but I said thank you for coming to me and I will take good care of our kids as I always have.
Now fast forward to now, the kids have been with me for awhile my X has been into recovery now almost 4 weeks , including a week out of detox is currently on medicine called suboxin to help her maintain her cravings and I am in the middle of a custody adjustment to have the kids live with me.
Where is she you ask, well as of about a week and half ago she came to me asking me to work with her on repairing our marriage, that she realized things where not that bad, that she is sorry for everything she has done and wants to make things right. What do I do, I lay down some ground rules on what must be done for us to do this and she will have to follow them because it is not about me and her its about our kids. Now granted the hard part in all of this is I must learn to trust her, of which the later part of say 2 years of our marriage was almost non existent with me because of lies and deceit on that end, of failing to follow through on any commitment, to wanting to spend all the time she could out and about , getting the kids late to school, not working as she was a stay at home mom, and when I mean not working I mean not doing much while staying at home. I would get up help get kids up , go to work, come home cook dinner, do homework with kids and she would help me give them baths and then I would put them to sleep.
Now when they where younger she was AWESOME, moms groups, going places with them getting together with other moms keeping her focus on the kids. However as they got a little bit older that sort of died off and we BOTH got caught into a very dysfunctional unfocused marriage that drifted off into a very dark place.
I am not badgering her on here, but I am pointing out some history and I am not angel in all of this as I become a very very codependent insecure person in our marriage and I can attribute that to the past of her relapsing before, or never being on time, or being distant, not being affectionate on any level but those are to me only symptoms of things and I made the consciouses or unconscious choice to perpetuate allot of disaster because of this and cause more problems to arise because I would constantly try to "FIX" my wife, or explain to her why you cant go out and come home at 2am in the morning, or not put the kids to bed because you had a headache 4 days out of the week.
Ok so anyways the situation is this now, we are working on our marriage again, trying to get to the core of things and basically we live in two separate houses now and my wife still has the thing where she feels I am controlling her. Will not allow time for me to heal and cant understand why I don't trust her, shes always like you just want to monitor me and it makes me feel like you are controlling me I explain to her that for the 2nd time you have destroyed our family down to the core because of your addiction, you have lied to everyone about everything, you are still not showing up when you are supposed to and meet up with the kids of course I don't trust you. It just dosent click for her, we are in marriage counsling and I am just so fed up with having to explain what normal human behavior is for her, yet she loves me and wants to work on things...
WORKING REQURIES WORK
So her plan is this, now granted this is with two kids also still living with me one very young the other in 1st grade...
She is going to go to school fulltime, work a job, go to her group which is 5 days a week, work part time, go to counsling an then start a 12 step program....At this point Im supportive of whatever because I can tell her all day that she needs to leave time for the kids, but what good is that going to do untill she sees it herself.... I mean im sorry your almost 30 and you never went to school and started a career, im sorry you missed out on all this stuff but you have TWO KIDS that need to have time for there mom, and as of now I am a single dad married to someone who is living there own life barely leaving time for anyone else a husband or our children....
Look, my problem in this whole thing is this Yes i love my wife, but I don't have any desire for her to basically live an unmarried single life running around with her friends and with the kids at home just to do it. There is a few things I am very very good at and thats being a father and a provider, I am a Mr MoM and enjoy it very much however I have to also maintain my career as I have for 12 yrs now to support all of my kids private schools, living expenses, all the things we have created for our children so that they will ahve the foundation they need in Christ and in life to not repeat some of these mistakes.
Ok im done for now thats a very long summary of the overall view of things I will continue to post up things as the days progress....
In short I feel I am a single dad with married, meaning I am married to someone who tends to put themselves above everything and leave me to pickup the pieces.
Over the course of the past 8 yrs I have gone through two different bouts of relapse with my wife, usually centered around her addiction to opiates prescription pills this time however in the past it was much harder opiates before we where married. Before we where married my wife and this was at an early age was in a two year rehab that broke her, or so I thought of her addiction to opiates. This last bout was about 8 months ago which led to her divorcing me and completley shaking the foundation of what was left of our marriage.
The months previous to this where non-stop bickering and fighting for me to gain custody of the kids, however without fully knowing if she was on drugs this time I was unable to really point any fingers. Ive worked with her on scheduling which pretty much consisted of whenever she felt she wanted to go play or go do something she would drop off the kids, she would show up late or not at all to pick them up and my kids where thrown through a horrific loop.
On top of everything finally coming full circle our marital home was gutted and everything down to light fixtures where sold to pay for lord knows what. She started dating a drug dealer, ran around getting into all kinds of a mess, trying to convince everyone that he was a good guy and she was not on drugs, that she was just tired, stressed etc etc.
I have been to hell and back crying in agony some nights because I was worried about my kids, trying to figure out how to fight off this deep gutted feeling that once again she has taken the path towards destruction, that the turmoils of her addict have reared there ugly head again.
So out of the blue about a month and half ago I get a call from my wife,stbx,xw whatever you want to label her, and she says she needs to talk to me. Now take into consideration that throught this seperation time my wife still would call me 3-4 times a day to talk, she would show up at my house to stay the night sometimes, that she would get obsessive if I didnt answer the phone sometimes and was very codependent on the fact that I was still there for her.
I tried dating a few people but unfortunately and yes as this was my choice she was so interwoven into my life that there was no room for anyone else, if it wasnt her it was her family coming to me to see what was going on with her, what she was doing, how could I help what can I do but they where all aware of her problem but refused to face it refused to step up and actuall attack the problem with her yet again. There came a point to where I was absolutly so unvalidated as her X that I just assumed this was never going to stop.
Anyways back to the topic at hand, she calls and says she needs me to take the kids and begins to let loose a whirlwind of stories and lies and deceit of how she has been using for over a year now, taking a very very large amount of pills a week and she woke up one day and said she couldn't do this anymore. Now most people would probably have let hell fury rain down on to her of how could she do this, i knew it was coming I knew what was going on etc etc but I said thank you for coming to me and I will take good care of our kids as I always have.
Now fast forward to now, the kids have been with me for awhile my X has been into recovery now almost 4 weeks , including a week out of detox is currently on medicine called suboxin to help her maintain her cravings and I am in the middle of a custody adjustment to have the kids live with me.
Where is she you ask, well as of about a week and half ago she came to me asking me to work with her on repairing our marriage, that she realized things where not that bad, that she is sorry for everything she has done and wants to make things right. What do I do, I lay down some ground rules on what must be done for us to do this and she will have to follow them because it is not about me and her its about our kids. Now granted the hard part in all of this is I must learn to trust her, of which the later part of say 2 years of our marriage was almost non existent with me because of lies and deceit on that end, of failing to follow through on any commitment, to wanting to spend all the time she could out and about , getting the kids late to school, not working as she was a stay at home mom, and when I mean not working I mean not doing much while staying at home. I would get up help get kids up , go to work, come home cook dinner, do homework with kids and she would help me give them baths and then I would put them to sleep.
Now when they where younger she was AWESOME, moms groups, going places with them getting together with other moms keeping her focus on the kids. However as they got a little bit older that sort of died off and we BOTH got caught into a very dysfunctional unfocused marriage that drifted off into a very dark place.
I am not badgering her on here, but I am pointing out some history and I am not angel in all of this as I become a very very codependent insecure person in our marriage and I can attribute that to the past of her relapsing before, or never being on time, or being distant, not being affectionate on any level but those are to me only symptoms of things and I made the consciouses or unconscious choice to perpetuate allot of disaster because of this and cause more problems to arise because I would constantly try to "FIX" my wife, or explain to her why you cant go out and come home at 2am in the morning, or not put the kids to bed because you had a headache 4 days out of the week.
Ok so anyways the situation is this now, we are working on our marriage again, trying to get to the core of things and basically we live in two separate houses now and my wife still has the thing where she feels I am controlling her. Will not allow time for me to heal and cant understand why I don't trust her, shes always like you just want to monitor me and it makes me feel like you are controlling me I explain to her that for the 2nd time you have destroyed our family down to the core because of your addiction, you have lied to everyone about everything, you are still not showing up when you are supposed to and meet up with the kids of course I don't trust you. It just dosent click for her, we are in marriage counsling and I am just so fed up with having to explain what normal human behavior is for her, yet she loves me and wants to work on things...
WORKING REQURIES WORK
So her plan is this, now granted this is with two kids also still living with me one very young the other in 1st grade...
She is going to go to school fulltime, work a job, go to her group which is 5 days a week, work part time, go to counsling an then start a 12 step program....At this point Im supportive of whatever because I can tell her all day that she needs to leave time for the kids, but what good is that going to do untill she sees it herself.... I mean im sorry your almost 30 and you never went to school and started a career, im sorry you missed out on all this stuff but you have TWO KIDS that need to have time for there mom, and as of now I am a single dad married to someone who is living there own life barely leaving time for anyone else a husband or our children....
Look, my problem in this whole thing is this Yes i love my wife, but I don't have any desire for her to basically live an unmarried single life running around with her friends and with the kids at home just to do it. There is a few things I am very very good at and thats being a father and a provider, I am a Mr MoM and enjoy it very much however I have to also maintain my career as I have for 12 yrs now to support all of my kids private schools, living expenses, all the things we have created for our children so that they will ahve the foundation they need in Christ and in life to not repeat some of these mistakes.
Ok im done for now thats a very long summary of the overall view of things I will continue to post up things as the days progress....
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